i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
