my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
