I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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