Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
