Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
