Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
