just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
