Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
