im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
did you just send me my own nude
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
