Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
