Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
