If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
