Whod you bang
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Bring me that man meat
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
