So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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