I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think my moral compass just broke
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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