im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
