There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
