Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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