Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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