I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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