Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
