Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
