I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
