I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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