Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
