giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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