What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
