I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
