I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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