I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
