She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
