Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you traded sex for a burrito?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
