he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
