Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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