I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
