Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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