Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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