she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
