Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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