Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
