In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
