I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
