sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
