i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
