I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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