It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
