my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
