i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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