I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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