woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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